defense and offense
I’m going to be frank with you, I don’t like the majority of people.
I’ve felt like this for a while now. I didn’t want to come across as rude or overly harsh but… I actually feel some sort of resentment towards people. I wouldn’t say hatred, but it isn’t enjoyment either.
I long for intimacy and love from people; but the more and more I interact with humanity, I sort of end up feeling disconnected and disgusted. I can’t explain it! And this feeling has been growing inside me… I think it’s taking a toll on me mentally. Am I Just Fake?
There are exceptions to this “burning” disgust, but I don’t feel like that’s fair either. I Think There’s Something Wrong With me.
I just can’t put my finger on it.
I guess… the first step is to notice the signs and take action. But what sort of action do I take? I think this “disgust” of mine has even affected my daily life, with me becoming more hostile towards my family and friends. I don’t like this at all, and I don’t hate them, I love them! I’m very loving! I’m loving! I love people! I love everyone! I want to be happy and not ill anymore!
But I just. Can’t. It’s so weird… I just feel disconnected and withdrawn from everyone. I’m starting to not be able to relate to people anymore. I don’t feel human.
I don’t think it helps any that I’m starting to get violent thoughts. I understand, it’s just intrusive thoughts, but they’re growing in number. It scares me. It makes me question sometimes if I truly want to harm the people around me. Do I really want that?
Is that what I’m coming to terms with? That maybe my hatred towards people is just me taking out my own personal feelings on others? Maybe. Maybe I’m just… hateful and vile. A disgusting pig with no consideration for others.
I don’t know.