Checked Out
I think it’s been a really Odd Week for me actually month in general. I’ve been experiencing these Really negative Emotions lately I’ve already mentioned I’ve been feeling more hateful and spiteful And I Can’t control it. My intrusive thoughts have been flaring up again And I’ve been Getting the Sexual-Violent-Religious triple combo With a Side of extreme guilt for whatever reason.
Like ?… Where is this coming from I Was fine a few months ago Now I Feel like a mess. I Feel like cannot engage with Anyone in a One-on-One conversation I Feel burnt out. What’s wrong with me? Seriously Though My Emotions have been so off lately I’ve been feeling high and low, far and in between, And Why am I so weirdly jealous? I Feel like my ego has gotten inflated or something. Whenever I see Other people get more attention than me I Get weirdly hostile towards them. What’s going on? What is this high that I’m running off of? It’s all so weird to me.
Why am I experiencing so much hostility towards Others why am I Getting so Angry WHY AM I GETTING MOOD SWINGS. IT’S SO ODD AND FUCKING STRANGE.
I want to be released from this emotional Prison. Seriously.
I’ve been wanting more attention, I’ve been thriving off of it & when I don’t get enough I get extremely Mad and Anxious. What Disorder is this. Is it the hormones? Is it the change of life? I wish it would stop. I Want to feel normal again, I Don’t want to see people as Things I Can Get What I Want from them. What I feel like I Need From them. Nobody owes me Anything. I Shouldn’t feel inadequate because My Stupid fucking graphics Didn’t get as many likes as someone else’s. I shouldn’t feel useless because Someone else’s opinion gets more attention than mine. When I Was more right than them, at least in my Horrible Head. what’s wrong with me? None of these things matter.
None of the Attention from others Matters. None of what I hunger for matters. It’s all Useless work That In the end won’t make a difference in my Life.
But. I Still Want Attention. And It feels like I might explode without it. I want to be Mentioned. I want to be Constantly Talked about Positively. Why Can’t I get that, is it not good?
Whatever. it’s bullshit anyway. I have to be studying instead of worrying about This.