Used 2 Be…
I used to consider myself a man. But yet I didn’t feel “man enough”. I had a deep voice, I looked androgynous IRL, but I didn’t feel like a man.
I have never felt enough in anything I do. Whether it be about my gender or my work, I didn’t feel like I did enough. Was enough. Felt enough. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I can’t do anything right, I feel useless.
This June, I feel a little ostracized from the community … I mentioned this in my previous post, but I feel even worse now. I feel like my identity has become so complex and complicated——that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. It sort of sucks, since I’d like some form of belonging in the queer community… but it’s so hostile everywhere it just drives me crazy.
I feel like such an oddball, my gender isn’t exactly feminine, exactly masculine, it’s something something in between. I don’t like being called non-binary but if it helps you understand me, go ahead. I actually prefer older terms, like transsexual or unisexual, and will call myself those things. But other than that it’s pretty hard to put a label on my gender, and don’t get me started on my sexuality. I’m starting to become more fem-leaning when it comes to sexuality. I’ve always sort of liked girls, I always found them sexually && romantically attractive! But I still like guys in a sense. Just less now. Everything fluctuates for me. But the attraction has gotten rather stronger now.
I don’t like labeling those things; I feel like it would be sort of meaningless for me, since my feelings are so specific and personal. Which unfortunately has caused me to feel like a mutt gay-wise. I’m not a “binary transgender”… nor a lesbian, nor a gay man… or bisexual… even if I do relate to all these things! So I feel left out. I like… the term sapphic. But is it truly me? Plus I have noticed the tensions between bisexual gals & lesbians. So I feel a little sad when I see both of them tear down each other, since they both built their communities off of one another.
It just feels like “the girls are fighting again” meme!!! Stop!!! All of this is baseless and useless!!! It’s AWFUL to see… the separatist movement did awful things to the community.
Still, regardless if I have a deep connection to these communities I feel like I Shouldn’t Be Allowed here… I just can’t explain it. I just don’t feel like I’m supported or liked by my own community! I feel like I’m too “weird” for them. But isn’t that what queer means? But yet it feels like the community puts restrictions on how weird and strange you can be. I guess. It’s all so complicated.
Is this what happens when you’re in a league of your own? It feels. Lonely.