mountain out of a molehill
Today felt like another Friday. I didn’t get much done during the day, so I hope to get something done during the nighttime. I feel rather useless.
I feel left behind mentally, if that makes sense. My birthday is closing in on me, and I’m not entirely sure if I should be happy or feel nothing for it. I don’t feel like I deserve to age; I feel like I’m still 13, I even look the part too.
I have not accomplished anything, nothing worth mentioning anyway. People my age are doing things with their lives, completing long-term goals, having their dreams come true and fulfilled! While I’m still at home, doing nothing. I feel like dead weight.
All the things I thought I would be when I was younger, I haven’t even come close to being. My art hasn’t improved, my wardrobe hasn’t changed to what I want to wear, my body has barely changed since I hit puberty with the only thing to show for it is hair and cramps.
I am disappointed and disgusted in myself. I can’t do anything right. I thought at this point and time, I’d be with someone who makes me happy, if not romantically then at least platonically?
My mental disorders have only gotten worse. Along with some physical ailments as well, I just haven’t been well.
It feels like no matter what I do I can’t seem to get closer and closer to my goals in life, it’s like I’m stuck in limbo and I wish I could stop it, but yet I can’t. I’ve considered suicide for a while, but I think I’d be even more of a burden on my family if I did that——I mean, my parents still have to claim me on their tax return.!
But even after saying all of this, I can easily change my environment. I can go to the store and buy new clothes, makeup, get a new do too. I can get better at art, I can even start to write the story I’ve been longing to do for years now!
So, even after all of this, I still have time to do the things I want. As becoming an adult isn’t the end, graduation isn’t the end. It’s when I give up on my ambitions.
So my point is, I want to live. And I will live, starting from this day forward!